It’s been a while eh?!
2016 for me has been an eventful one (a little bit of an understatement actually.) I have wondered whether to talk about what has been happening in my life recently and whether it would do any good to write about it but I have always gone to the written word to express my feelings. I’ve always kept diaries over the years (not always good at keeping them up though.) Whenever anything happens, I go to the page. Not to write a novel but to just express myself. Recently, I’ve been mostly doing this on seven hundred and fifty words. That blank page listens and it helps.
For me, this year has handed me some pretty intense experiences. Firstly, a miscarriage. This was back in January and it broke my heart. Chris and I had been trying for eight years. The day we found out, I felt as though I was walking on air. All the anxiety and fear I had been feeling had melted away. All that mattered was the baby.
A few weeks later, I needed to have an appointment for a scan as a problem developed. That moment when they confirmed what I think I already knew…time had never slowed like that for me before.
Miscarriage is one of those things that is not really spoken about but once you go through it, you realise that it is something people around you have been through. You get your head around the idea that you are going to be a parent and then…. nothing. You’re left with nothing but this real enormous feeling of sadness and loss for someone whom you never met and yet incredibly miss.
In some sort of fixation the universe has to give me my major life experiences at once, my mum also suddenly passed away in April from meningitis. Yes, I know. You almost couldn’t write it. Even now, it’s still very raw and as a result, I needed to disappear from here for a while.
One thing these events have got me thinking about though is time. How much it is taken for granted. How many of us are guilty of saying ‘I wont do that now, I can do it tomorrow or ‘I want to write a book. I will do it someday.’ I know I am guilty of this many times over.
I keep thinking how precious the time with my Mum was. How I will always cherish the day she spent with me (which incidentally was the day before she collapsed) and will be always glad of the fact that I didn’t cancel. I almost did because I didn’t sleep well the previous night. She was only 60 years old. I can’t stop thinking about all the things she still wanted to do and how sad that makes me that she will now not get that chance.
Most of all, I am pleased that my last words to her was to tell her I loved her.
What these two events have shown me what a difference a day makes. How I need to seize every happy moment in the middle of all these sad ones. It’s teaching me that I should not take things for granted – do the things I want to do and do more of what makes me happy. I want to write or the house needs cleaning? I think from now on I will be making a different choice.
It is important to seize opportunities. I recently almost didn’t go to meet an author I liked and admired because I was frightened of making a fool of myself. The only thing that happens when you stop yourself from taking hold of these opportunities is that you miss out on wonderful experiences.
I will leave you with my favourite Dickens quote from the wonderful Mr Macawber. ‘Procrastination is the thief of time. Collar him.’